Duh. Winning. It’s back again folks, our second annual Charlie Sheen quote fueled NBA draft lottery winners and losers column. Last year the Sheen theme was propelled by Sheen being replaced on Two and a Half Men by Ashton Kutcher, a foreseeable nightmare. This year, said nightmare has occurred in the form of rom-com Kutcher expectedly taking a machete to one of the most inspirational television characters of all time, Charlie Harper. Who doesn’t aspire to sit around all day at their Malibu beach-house and drink while writing a jingle once a month? You don’t? Well, forget you then. Nevertheless, when you’re coked out and say a ton of outlandish, entertaining shit, then fall off the face of the Earth and are replaced by Ashton freaking Kutcher, you deserve to be revived for one night. So without further ado, it’s your highly conspiratorial, brow-filled 2012 NBA Draft lottery winners and losers, with a twist of Charlie Sheen’s awesomeness.
“I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”
“For now, I’m just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.”
The Hornets won the unibrow sweepstakes while managing to keep their dignity intact by competing all season. You see, good things do happen to good cities and to good franchises. Of course, it also helps that your team is run by the commissioner of the league who after vetoing the Paul deal due to
pressure from small market owners “basketball reasons” needed Davis in town to spiff the team up for sale. The name David Stern will now forever be associated with either “cowardice” and “conspiracy”. And for that I’m satisfied
Even though Stern’s motive for vetoing the deal was criminal (as I’m writing this Stern is handing game 2 to the Heat, so he’s on quite a roll right now), the end result saved the Hornets franchise. If the Hornets took back 3 years of Luis Scola, two years of Kevin Martin, Lamar Odom’s spurned remains and Goran Dragic, the former two being long-term high salary players, they would have been locked into the dreaded middle with no star power and no cap flexibility. Anyone who knows anything about the NBA knows that’s not a place you want to be. It’s the elephant graveyard of decay. But because the Hornets bottomed out and didn’t take on any long-term veteran money, they now enter the prosperous land of rebuilding on the fly with young talent. Assuming they match any offer for Gordon, they now have two blue chip players on the roster in the aforementioned Gordon and Davis to build around moving forward.
The only problem I see with the Hornets rebuilding effort is that they’ll be too good too fast. The Thunder acquired their core by bottoming out three years in a row and landing elite talent every year. NO plays incredibly hard for Monte Williams and with real star talent now on the roster (Gordon rarely played last year due to injury) the Hornets could be a fringe playoff team. While a Gordon/Davis core surrounded by high motor role players is nice, that roster isn’t enough to truly compete, and given how much they’ll likely progress they might not sniff the high lottery again. The Hornets do have some cap space to spend in free agency if they amnesty Okafor, but New Orleans has never really been an hotly desired location for stars. Does that change now with Davis in the fold? Demps and company may want to entertain packaging the 10th pick in this years draft with a protected pick in next years draft class (weak draft) if need be along with Emeka Okafor to a team like Sacramento who have a few bad contracts in effort to move up a few spots and snag another potential blue chip player this year, such as Drummond.
Regardless, what once seemed like a bleak future for basketball in New Orleans with CP3 departing and possible relocation or contraction being discussed now looks like a promising one. Thanks to “The Brow”, basketball is now very much alive again in the Big Easy.
“You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like ‘Dude, can’t handle it! Unplug this bastard!’ … It fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm.”
The Blazers reap the rewards of a second lottery pick due to fleecing the Nets in the Gerald Wallace deal (which was seriously one of the most head-scratching trades in recent memory). As I wrote about at the trade deadline, Portland traded a player they had no interest in re-signing (and who would have opted out anyway) for a lottery pick. You can’t do much better than that. Portland is rebuilding on the fly around Aldridge and Batum (who they’re expected to retain), so the opportunity to add two top eleven picks to a roster with a ton of holes is a huge win for the Blazers.
“I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
With their pick falling inside the top 7 the Dubs get to keep their selection instead of sending it to Utah (Richard Jefferson trade). While MKG would have looked superb in Warrior colors, adding Perry Jones or Harrison Barnes to fill their void at small forward is better than nothing. Considering Golden State contemplated dealing additional assets to secure their pick from Utah, landing the pick without doing so is frosting on the cake. Look out for the Dubs this year..
“I’m dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I don’t have time for these clowns. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
The Lakers were the quiet winner on lottery night. Why do you ask? Well, because they’re getting Deron Williams and Dwight Howard now. Just like I told you they would HERE. The plan is taking shape. The crucial domino has fallen with D-Will now outie 5000 from Brooklyn because the Nets don’t have the pieces to land Howard. He’ll use Dallas, who don’t have enough surrounding talent around Dirk and no mechanism to land pieces, as leverage to barter his way to LA where he’ll have two stars waiting for him in the state he resides in during the off-season. Pau to Minnesota and Derrick Williams/#1 pick to Brooklyn for D-Will, then Bynum and Sessions for Howard. The apocalypse for all non Laker fans is here. You heard it here first. Now embrace destruction.
“Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye.”
“Duh! So, we’re asking you now, what are some of your favorite lines that this warlock brain produced?”
The Nets had a 25% chance to land a top three pick and become relevant for the first time since the finals team spearheaded by Kidd. They could have used their pick to sweeten a deal for Howard and keep D-Will in Brooklyn. Now, due to that inexplicable Gerald Wallace trade, the best pitch they can offer Orlando is a maxed out Slowpez in a sign and trade along with MarShon Brooks. Sorry Proky, that’s not gonna get it done. D-Will said it’s Howard or bust. Now there is no chance for Howard, so it’s bust. Enjoy shelling out big money to see Slowpez and spurned Kardashian, Nets fans.
“I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.”
The Cavs landed one spot lower in the lottery than was forecasted, which is a slight blow, especially if MKG and Beal come off the board at picks two and three. However, it was Dan Gilbert who suffered a potential euphoric opportunity here. Had Cleveland landed “The Brow” to pair with Irving, Gilbert’s vindictive quest for revenge to win a title before LeBron would have been off to a blazing start. When the Heat fall to the Spurs in the finals I could’ve easily pictured him sending LeBron a strongly worded “look at me now” or “how’s my ass taste” text. Now that reality is likely shelved for good.
“I saw 28 Days. I don’t remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It’s a big landfill.”
Michael Jordan’s barren wasteland/house of horror lives on! You say poor MJ, who is probably pouring his sweat and tears onto the craps table at the Bellagio right now. I say poor MKG (or Thomas Robinson).