The Sports Headquarters

It’s an attrocity something like power walking is in the Olympics. Seriously. For the most part, the Olympics are a collection of sports most people don’t give a shit about 365 days a year for three years and then in year four for about a month and a half they’re all anyone can talk about. As I’ve stated before, if it weren’t for basketball I’d watch exactly 5% of the Olympics. That 5% would be made up entirely of Usain Bolt celebrations and Michelle Jenneke strutting her stuff all over the Olympic Village. But that’s not why I’m here. The fact that football, and I mean real football, is not an Olympic sport yet is an absolute travesty. You want to talk about something I’d pay to watch? Olympic football sounds about right. Hell, if the rest of the world wants we can use college players for the first 60 years like we did with basketball if they want to try to catch up. Doesn’t matter. Every other country would get shut out and 100 points hung on them easily. Just for shits and giggles, let’s see what this super team would look like.

Quarterbacks – Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, & Drew Brees

I have no idea what the roster limit would be, but who cares. These are the three obvious choices and Brady gets the start because Bill Belichick is clearly the coach of this team. Yeah Tom Coughlin has got Belichick twice, but you go to war with the best not the flavor of the month. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter who gets the start because all three will get to play and dominate thustly. I mean the rest of this team is going to be equally as pants-shittingly-terrifying so why not alternate and give each one a quarter-plus? Seems to be fair. I mean hell, there’s 100 points to be scored. And if there’s any coach would doesn’t care about running up the score, it’s Belichick. These are the three top dogs in the NFL today and would certainly enjoy dominating on an international level together.

Running Backs – Adrian Peterson, LeSean McCoy, & Arian Foster

I’m not counting Adrian Peterson’s injury here and even at 50%, AP is still 100% better than any competition Team USA would have to face so it’s really a moot point. Shady McCoy and Foster are two premier backs and have a multitude of skills catching the ball out of the backfield as well as running people over. This stable of running backs would just be an embarassment as they basically make the quarterbacks irrelevant. You could literally only hand the ball off all game long and still trounce whoever the opponent. 3rd & 10? Well, that would never happen. But in the off chance it did, you could still hand off the ball and pick up the first round 100 times out of 100. Just an absolutely beastly backfield.

Wide Receivers – Calvin Johnson, Andre Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Wes Welker, Jordy Nelson, & Marques Colston

Megatron? No brainer. Andre Johnson? Duh. Larry Fitz? Sucks the Cardinals don’t have a quarterback to throw it to him. Welker, Nelson, & Colston? Did you see the three quarterbacks on the team? Gotta have their favorite targets on the team. This team would dump all over the field. Just running verts, crosses, and whatever the hell else they want to do. Who’s going to cover any of these guys? There aren’t people in the NFL who can cover these guys, let alone in the rest of the world. This would just be comical.

Tight Ends – Rob Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham, & Vernon Davis

Gronk probably wouldn’t even play because he’d be so busy chasing tail in the Olympic Village. Needless to say, Lolo Jones wouldn’t leave these games with her v-card if Gronk were in town. Either way, Graham and Davis would just be afterthoughts if Megatron, Dre Johnson, Fitzy, Shady, AP, or anyone else were on the field. Even after all that, the tight ends would have about six combined touchdowns a game. You forget how many points this team is scoring? Might be closer to 200 than 100 now that I think about it. And that’s with or without Gronk spiking touchdowns directly in opposing countries’ faces.

Offensive Line – Joe Thomas, Jake Long, Mike & Maurkice Pouncey, Jahri Evans, & Carl Nicks

Easiest. Job. Ever. Pouncey brothers because why the hell not?

Fullback – Mike Alstott

Sure, there are more deserving players currently in the league now. But this is like Larry Bird on the Dream Team. Someone way past their prime just doing the damn thing for a chance to win Olympic Gold. Give me 50-year old Alstott over just about anyone to clear me a path. Like a fullback is even needed for this team.

Defensive Tackles – Vince Wilfork, Ndamukong Suh, Haloti Ngata

Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Let’s just hope the other countries have medical insurance. It’s Belichick at the helm remember, so it’s a 3-4. So…

Defensive Ends – Jared Allen, Jason Pierre-Paul, Julius Peppers, Mario Williams

I would LOVE to see an opposing team try to do a successful three step drop, let alone throw a pass. Defensive line just living in the backfield 24/7. Sack after sack. Stuffing running backs before the line of scrimmage. Just blowing up offensive lines. Pure and utter domination.

Linebackers – Ray Lewis, Patrick Willis, DeMarcus Ware, Terrell Suggs, James Harrison, & Clay Matthews

I don’t care if someone’s playing out of position, this needs to be the corp. And they need a good lawyer because there will likely be multiple on field murders and decapitations. Ray Lewis would be beyond amped for these games. Just prideful as hell. Giving the most epic speeches of all time as if the other team actually had a chance. Suggs and Harrison high-lowing quarterbacks in the backfield every other play. Just making Roger Goodell blush all over the place. Blissful ignorance.

Cornerbacks – Derrelle Revis, Nnamdi Asomugha, Charles Woodson, & Champ Bailey

Bailey and Woodson are here as lifetime achievement awards. While they are still fine corners, there are probably more deserving players in the here and now but they get the nod regardless. Revis is  the best corner in the league bar none, even when Randy Moss is catching touchdowns in his grill. As a matter of fact, throw Randy Moss on this team as well. He needs to be there. Asomugha, even though he is coming off of a poor 2011, is still an elite corner. Hell, I could play opposite of Revis and seem serviceable.

Safeties – Ed Reed & Troy Polamalu

Would you even need to take these guys off the field? I mean, they could take plays off and still stand on the field. In fact, they could come off of the field, have the defense play with nine and still be alright. That’s how dominant this defense would be against the field. The two best safeties in recent history by a mile and they could just go rush the quarterback or ball hawk an errant pass whenever they feel. They’re just out there to have fun when it’s all said and done.

Place Kicker – Sebastian Janikowski

Just in case Belichick wants to kick a 60-yard field goal on first down. This is the second least important player on the team.

Punter – Jon Ryan

Jon Ryan led the league in punts inside the 20 and inside the 10. Also had the second longest punt in 2011 with 77 yards. All of this information is completely irrelevant considering this team will punt exactly zero times. He’ll be holding extra points all day.

Well folks, there you have it. The Dream Team to end all Dream Teams. “But Coley, the rest of the world isn’t up to speed with the NFL. It wouldn’t even be fair!” That’s the point foolish reader. You see, after the actual Dream Team went to Barcelona and blew teams out by 45 every game, basketball became international on an entirely different level. This is what could happen with football. Other countries think less of us because this is our number one sport. In actuality, they just haven’t been exposed to the jaw-dropping awesomeness which is the NFL. This wouldn’t just be another gold medal for the United States. It would be an international revolution. But, it will probably never happen. The rest of the world doesn’t want it with the Big Bad U.S. of A.